HIM Blog

Why We Need Unapologetic Me: Black | Gay | Man (And Why You Should Care) by Damian Ruff

 background image by Whitney Browne 

background image by Whitney Browne 

Let me start by saying that anything dripping in melanated brothers I am here for, okay? For years Black media has remained an off-center part of the overall scheme of production and cultural legacy and it’s high time it got more attention. When I was invited to a screening of Justin Dominic’s Unapologetic Me: Black | Gay | Man I was down for two reasons: one, this is my “year of yes,” and two, it was free. I went in knowing nothing of what I was about to experience but I knew I was going to have a good time because one Malik of HIM asked me to come out and cover it. As this was officially a work event I let the spliff in my pocket rest there and prepared myself by enjoying the NYC back alley vibes of St. John’s Place in the cut just off Canal.

The event was hosted at the Living Room of Spring Place which oozed a quiet elegance like that of any hotspot lounge one would see on Sex and The City; I was living. Little did I know that even though the bar gave very much Miranda Priestly tease the sunken living room just to the back of the lounge would serve my inner Beat fetish.

 photo by Mark Clennon

photo by Mark Clennon

Living for the plush red sunken in seating area which was a complete square in the middle of the room, I positioned myself just the side of the front for optimal viewing. With Malik on my left and Trey on my right, I looked up at the screen where Daniel Calderon and the creator/visionary Justin Dominic introduced the short vid introducing us to some of the crew involved with the piece.

Justin Dominic, Ronnie Carney, Andre Drummond, and Nigel Campbell were our four principles, and each reflected the uniqueness that is the Black man. From the title, one can easily ascertain just where this piece’s niche target lies but there is universality in the arcs presented by each sequence. Each dance sequence, all of which had been choreographed by Dominic, tells a story of the Black gay man’s experience in subtle and powerful ways. In an attempt to not give away too much of something that must be experienced in order to grasp the beauty of it there were two scenes that stuck out to this writer in particular. Mind you, I was not alone in how powerful these scenes were as they came up in the subsequent Q+A with Dominic, Calderon, Carney, and Nathan Bajar, who curated the soundtrack along with Dominic and Calderon.

Hosted by the incomparable Emil Wilbekin, whose impressive credentials were so caringly mentioned in Calderon’s introduction of him, he carried us through the forum with such ease that I longed for it to carry a little while longer; but I digress. Dominic mentioned in the Q+A that some of the sequences were composed of watching the other subjects interact on the set which was an Airbnb rented for two days. When Dominic said they had managed to get all the shots they needed in one day I could see it in the chemistry between the principles on film.

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The first scene which drew the attention of the audience and was brought to my attention again a week later by Malik is a scene in the kitchen between Ronnie Carney and Andre Drummond which Malik calls “Levels.” Carney and Drummond have what can only be called a conversation-in-choreo where one gets the sense of a longing for intimacy yet a resistance brought on by internalized societal norms and expectations placed on Black men. You could almost hear the pleadings of each dancer as they beckoned the other for trust and truth and intimacy and your heart breaks when you see the walls go up in successive levels suggested by their arms blocking the space between them. It was like watching (and I’m going to personalize here) all the times you’ve wanted to reach out to another beautiful Black boy for that affection you desire and both deserve but pride and societal prejudices tell you that as a Black man you can’t be vulnerable. Of course, this is a toxic notion which we all deal with on some level but seeing it on the screen brought back just how unified we are in certain aspects of our lives.

One audience member speculated that the theme of the piece was touch, something that the dancers did a lot of, and Dominic confirmed this. In fact, the dancers seemed to do nothing more than touch or want to touch and connect with the others.

 photo by Mark Clennon

photo by Mark Clennon

Playing off of the theme of touch I want to take it one further and say that intimacy was my overall takeaway from the piece. Another such powerful scene was one where the principles and other subjects stood with their backs to the camera, and here without faces, we are shown the diversity of the Black man; diversity, of course, being another theme of the piece. At first, it looks like they’re just standing there like they’re waiting for something, then slowly we see that they are embracing one another. Hands on shoulders, on waists, heads leaning in, the men huddle together in a sequence that suggests that we have to be the givers and receivers of the intimacy we need.

Set against music that I can only describe as acid jazz meets psychedelia Unapologetic Me is a visual and audio treat. The cinematography was done by the Macaiah Carter who recently shot The Weeknd for Times Magazines Next Generation of Leaders issue. Not only are the brothers attractive, the music and sound bites of interviews with queer Black men provide the audience with visceral truths on Blackness, queerness, and maleness in a society which seeks to make us apologize for simply being alive.

 photo by Mark Clennon

photo by Mark Clennon

Written, directed, choreographed, and produced by Justin Dominic Unapologetic Me: Black | Gay | Man is, as Emil Wilbekin called, a “legacy” to be left in the ashes of queer Black art and history destroyed by the AIDS epidemic. Ronnie Carney (and I hope he doesn’t mind my saying) was the oldest of the dancers Dominic approached for the project, having been his instructor early in his career, Carney expressed excitement at being asked to participate but it was something he said in the Q+A that seemed all too poignant. “I no longer have to be that warrior walking down the hall. Now I’m more of a mentor or teacher to the younger generation.” What Ronnie Carney touched on here was the wide divide between homosexuality being a social death with a looming expiration date and cause of demise to being something almost completely accepted…almost. There is still this disparity between the older gays and the young ones, and a lot of our personal history has been lost to untimely deaths; Unapologetic Me: Black | Gay | Man is, and I don’t think I can say this enough, an answer to that lost legacy.

We as Black gay men are some of the most diverse people and we uniquely experience a world which either does not want us or, and perhaps more insidiously, feigns tolerance of us. We as Black gay men have to pick up the torch and tell our stories amongst each other, and allies who will listen, and even to those who don’t want to hear because our stories matter. I believe that if we are like Justin Dominic and create something that speaks to us then we will be able to speak to others. Unapologetic Me: Black | Gay | Man is a conversation starter and it’s time we joined the discussion.

 photo by Mark Clennon

photo by Mark Clennon

Like Patrik Ian Polk did with Noah’s Arc, P.U.N.K.S., and The Skinny so too do we have to continue to share in visual and visceral ways the truths of our existence. Because we are here, our stories are important, they tell a side of society so easily shunned and ignored until it is fetishized, and we need to show that we are more than Drag Race memes and victims. We are powerful, we are strong, and we have come too far to let another day go by where a little Black boy in Arkansas doesn’t know that there are people out there like him who love him. Go see Justin Dominic’s Unapologetic Me: Black | Gay | Man, catch your life and save a life. 

Watch the Trailer for UNAPOLOGETIC ME: BLACK | GAY | MAN below and get more informantion about the film at http://www.justindominic.com/unapologeticme/ 

Stevie Post: Bandana Vibes !!! (Personal Therapy + Be Your Own Number One Fan)

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“Personal therapy” is important for your every day life, and on your personal journey you should find ways to keep your mind at ease. Here is my advice on how to find your own personal therapy.

“Be You Own Number One Fan”. As much as you want the support from friends and love ones you learn that you never know when there’s a fraud in the mix so you have become your own support and push through. 

Trey Post: 2018 is My Year of LOVE

Last year I took on the challenge to say yes to almost everything and changed my life for the better. This year is my year of LOVE not just romantically because lord knows I've been single for a while, but love for myself, love towards others, love for my work, just love all around !!!!! the reason why I decided to take this challenge of dedicating an entire year to love is that I had come to learn that in the past I've stonewalled love and used every opportunity no not put myself first and to lead a life that lacked the love necessary for me to succeed.

Now I see a lot of you reading this in my head thinking "Trey is full of shit, he knows damn well he's been loving himself for the past 5 years, how is dedicating another year to love going to change anything"  But trust me it will, I'm taking the time to cook the food that I love but will also help me love my body as well. I'm taking the time to love my friends old and new, and lastly, I'm taking the time to find love. I know that I'm young and at 21 who the hell is going to find the person that they are going to open the rest of their life with but honestly that's not what I'm talking about, I've looked back at all my past relationships and with an exception on maybe two people I haven't been in love with the person that I was dating, most of the time it was just me going through the motions not wanting to be alone but with time I've gotten older and learned to love my alone time and solitude.

This year much like last year I'm challenging myself to go beyond what I'm used to so I'm leaving with this question: What Do You Want To Achieve This Year? 

Erin Post: "Fear"

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This is a story about fear.

I’m very familiar with fear, it having run my life with varying degrees of strength for years now. I had always been adaptable. I moved around a lot through my middle school years, and I quickly adjusted to always being the new kid by being friendly and outgoing. When I had no ride to the first job I’d ever had, I squared my shoulders and walked the hour it took to get there, rain or shine.

When I felt stale living in my home state of Michigan, I moved to Virginia for a change of pace within three months. I had always been adaptable when it came to life and its strictures, but when it came to my dreams; I was firmly rooted in my comfort zone. Acting had always been my love. I was obsessed with the idea of becoming someone else, with telling a story, illustrating a point, illuminating a struggle. Acting was more than just saying lines. It was a living, breathing revolution. It moved you, it brought you to tears, it infuriated you, and it made you deliriously happy.

You came away enlightened. You came away knowing something. I adored it. Before I discovered screenplays, I used to read books aloud in my room and attempt to convey the emotions the author wrote. I did high school plays and then Community Theater, from which my love for the stage blossomed. There is an abruptness to stage theater, a right-now quality that seems absent in film and TV. The audience is right there, and you must get them to hate you, love you, pity you, or laugh at you in moments. It’s such a rush, and I adored it. Of course, I had dreams of acting professionally.

Even when young and caught up in discovering what I wanted to do when I grew up, I mashed it down with “reality”: that I’d be just another kid trying to make it in an industry that is next to impossible to break into, and even harder to make a living at. I told myself that I didn’t actually have what it took, that I’d be better off pursuing something more feasible, something guaranteed to keep a roof over my head.

My love continued, but with an undertone of responsibility looming. I graduated high school, and made plans to attend college, but never went. I was scared that I wouldn’t be able to handle the coursework, that I’d fail out and disappoint myself and my family. Most of all, I was scared I wouldn’t be able to really enjoy any major I’d choose instead of Theatre. I got two jobs, moved out of my parents’ house and settled into a life of routine, of feeling unfulfilled. This was when a change began to be wrought. I was dissatisfied with what I had achieved so far. I wanted more. I wished to be a part of something bigger than me, I wished to feel accepted and feel pride in what I did.

These wishes were all related to acting, but my ever-present fear of failure pushed me in a different direction to grant them. I was 22 when I enlisted in the United States Navy. When I think back, I definitely joined for the wrong reasons, but I am eternally grateful that I did. There is a strength and self-confidence that you obtain when you emerge from boot camp, a brotherhood and support system that you gain as you serve, an enlightenment that is granted as you travel to different countries, and a deep pride and love for what you defend that is placed in your very bones.

Armed with these, I realized that although this was one of the best decisions I ever made, it was time to move to the chapter I had always been looking toward, but afraid to read. It was time to stop being an aspiring actor and become one. I was honorably discharged from the Navy, and wasted no time moving to New York City not even a week later.

I had my sights set on attending a university that would allow me to discover even more about myself, that would align with my core ideals of strength, brotherhood, the desire to learn, and a pride in what you do. Fordham University embodies that for me. With a reputation widely known, an intimate and amazing theatre program, and having observed two alumni who are close to me go on and conquer the world as they chose, I knew that this university must be the place where my journey to theatre continues.

I only hope that my story helps to better understand me and what I want to accomplish. I am done with fear. I am armed with self-assuredness. I am ready to grow. And now, having been accepted for Spring ’18, I am ready for Fordham.

- Erin

Malik Post: "How To Meet Men"

It has been exactly two years and eight months since I first set foot in the Concrete Jungle, better known as New York City, nevertheless I find myself assaulted with the question, “How is dating in New York City?”, and if per chance that question is too cumbersome for the interviewer to pose then the question that is more or less centered around self-interest, “How do you meet new men in New York City?” fills its void unapologetically. More often than not, I find myself avoiding conversations centered around the topic of dating simply because the advice offered can be invariably different case by case, but also administering advice on said topic would inadvertently deem me as some type of quasi-expert on dating within the black gay community. Admittedly, I am no expert on dating. You know that friend that’s always going on dates, to new restaurants, or meeting new men? I am that friend. My best friend loves to say, “Bitch, you stay with a new man!”. Now, I would never incriminate myself via written correspondence, but I must confess that I enjoy sharing time and space with my handsome black men. Furthermore, all this talk about dating spawned a reverie in which I asked myself, is there a method to my madness?

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